Welcome back to FKWG, where we’re replaying the classics! If you’re wondering how to pronounce “FKWG”, just do what JP from KTIK does and go along to the tune of WKRP in Cincinnati, and don’t forget your fiber.
This week brings us to conference play in the Mountain West, on our not-quite-farewell tour (litigation pending). As we all toil through conference realignment on social media, sometimes it’s really easy to remember why we hate some team (hello, Oregon fans hate-reading us still). Other times, however, the teams can be a little forgettable thanks to those heady years of Koetter 1.0, Hawkins, and Petersen.
Welcome to the Hater’s Guide. We’re here for you!
Utah State
Fast facts:
- Public Land-Grant University
- Main campus in Logan, Utah
- AKA “Aggies”
- Mascot “Big Blue”
- Enrollment ~28,000
- “the safety school for BYU applicants”
First things first: Merlin Olsen Field and Maverik Stadium can almost look gorgeous with the right sunset, but that’s mostly a psychological trick to distract you from the fact that they were too lazy to build a normal stadium and instead infilled half a bomb crater for cheap bleachers.
The town of Logan is great, provided you like craft rootbeer, or one of the many Utah franchised “food” items. Waffle cookies? Pizza cones? Dirty soda? Antifreeze popsicles? They’ve got it all. There’s even a Hockey Club coming, and I am sure they’ve got a great name picked out…
Ok, they’re still working on that one.
Utah State’s main claims to football fame are as follows:
- Having a football program more than 100 years old
- Remember that one guy from the Little House on the Prairie tv show? Yeah, he played here.
- Getting invited to the PAC-(n+1) in order to spite the MWC
- That one game in 2015
A History of Violence
The Broncos are 23-5 all-time vs the Aggies. There was a dark time back in 1997 where the Aggies briefly held a 4-3 all-time advantage, but our offensive luminary Dirk Koetter and his band of boys in blue quickly corrected that rounding error, and launched a streak of a dozen victories.
At this point, we must remind you that part of hating is also remembering the darkest times, and drawing up that energy to fuel your inner hatred.
The year is 2015. The Weeknd is dominating the Billboard Hot 100 with “The Hills”, something called “Hamilton” is everywhere, and Brett Rypien’s #21 Boise State Broncos are about to set some records, but not the good kind.
After the dust settled, the Broncos had lost 52-26 on the strength of 8 lost turnovers. If you’re a masochist of the worst kind, there are “highlights”.
If you’re worried about a repeat, since we’ve got that #21 synchronicity going on, I wouldn’t lose sleep on it. The 2024 Aggies are somewhat remarkably bad, and Ashton Jeanty is not. Also that 2015 team went on to beat NIU so bad that there’s been multiple long-form postmortems, so there’s that.
The A.I. Brief, Brought To You by Microsoft Copilot: “It’s Like Google, but Worse!”
Prompt: “Does Utah State Have a Good College Football Team?”
Response: “Utah State’s football team, the Aggies, has shown improvement and potential in recent seasons. While they have faced some tough losses, such as a recent game against Utah1, they have also demonstrated resilience and growth. The team has had notable performances, including a competitive game against a highly ranked Utah team1.
Overall, the Aggies are working hard to build a stronger program and have had moments of success that indicate a positive trajectory. If you’re a fan or considering following their games, there’s definitely excitement and potential to look forward to!”
When even the A.I. is struggling to find positive facts aside from your in-state “rivalry” loss, I got bad news for you.
Hate the Players
Meet their starting quarterback, Spencer Petras:
You cannot tell me that guy isn’t a classic Disney Channel jerk (allegedly). Plus he’s a graduate transfer from Iowa, so he’s got that BDE (B1G Douche Energy).
Hate the Games
Utah State’s record so far:
- W 36-14 vs Robert Morris
- L 0-48 @ #13 USC
- L 21-38 vs #12 Utah
- L 29-45 @ Temple
You’ll note their one win is over FCS Robert Morris, the University of Cigarettes. Every time they’ve played a team with a pulse, they’ve been quite throughly woodshedded.
This all may feel a bit like piling on, especially since they’re the #9 team in ESPN’s Bottom Ten. We just report the hate facts, the actual hating is up to you.
I keep expecting a let down game, but at this point Jeanty is playing so far out of his mind that anything less than 300 yards rushing would be a letdown.
That being said, it’s hard to hate most of our Mtn West foes. Do you hate an ant that you step on? Is it the ants 🐜 fault that it was doing ant stuff and ended up under your shoe? These guys are cannon fodder for Jeanty’s Heisman winning season! Crush them!
Utah State is ranked #114 in rushing defense, so there’s that. Is that an A.J. freight train I hear coming?
This from the latest Utah State coaches press conference:
“We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes… Drums. Drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A Shadow moves in the dark… We cannot get out… They are coming”
I think they know the shadow is Jeanty. He can smell their fear.
starting to warm up to the strategy of taking no sacks and making very quick reads to TE etc, and not being shy to punt – our D leads nation in sacks – in combination it puts a lot of pressure on opponents
Kudos to the LOTR quote! I’m hoping to catch Coach Pete’s sit-down with Jeanty today on FS!
Hate! Hate! You can’t handle the hate! BSU home stomps the aggies, well, because we hate them. Hate never felt so good.
I’m just glad we are playing the game. No hate at all. They face the same crazy pressures we do.
Hate IS good!
Funny stuff. But I had no idea Dabbs Greer played for Utah State. It makes me wonder why they didn’t name the field after him.